How do I cope?

Family and friends can use any number of ways of trying to respond or cope with the situation. You can probably think of lots of different ways you’ve tried to deal with the situation. Some you may have found of some help. Some you may have found didn’t help the situation at all.

The different ways people use to cope with the drinking/drug use broadly fall into 3 main types:

Standing up to it
This can include things like trying to have more control of the finances, confronting the person with how you feel, trying to get the person to seek help.

The disadvantages of this approach are that your family member or friend might resent your attempts and this might be stressful for you and others.

The advantages of this approach can be that you feel like you are doing something and that you haven’t given up hope.

Putting up with it
This can include not doing anything about the situation, clearing up the mess, giving money to the person, and covering up for the person for things they have or haven’t done.

The disadvantages of this approach are that the situation doesn’t change and you may feel that you are being taken advantage of by the person.

The advantages of this approach are that there may be less tension and conflict with the person.

Withdrawing from it
This can include spending less time with the person, focussing on your own needs, interests and friends that don’t involve the person drinking/using drugs.

The disadvantages of this approach are that it can lead to the drinker/drug user feeling rejected and unloved

The advantages of this approach are that you may feel less tense and more in control of your own life.

Although you don’t have the power to change the drinker, ‘Feeling powerless’. You do have power over you. You can change how you respond to the drinking/drug use.

In looking at the advantages and disadvantages of each way of coping we are not saying that one way is better than another. There is no ‘magic bullet’, no guaranteed way that will make the person change or make everything better for you.

What it is about, is realising you have more choices in how you respond to the situation. Different ways of responding will work at different times and you can choose what you consider is the best response in that moment. With one situation you may choose to put up with it, with another you may choose to stand up to it, at another time you might choose to withdraw. The choice is yours. It is your life. You are likely to be seeing more of the situation with the drinking / drug use than others. If one response doesn’t seem to be working you can change how you respond.

Trust yourself.

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